Quiet Light - Yet Quite Like Me?

On the feast day of the Annunciation, I want to share a new reflection on Mary our Mother.

Annunciation at the Cathedral Basilica
of the Immaculate Conception

Is it enough that Mary is the Mother of God, mother of all of us on earth, the Queen of Heaven, and the Crowning Glory of Creation?
She is magnificent and holy, yes. But I believe there is more. I am about to tell you something about Mary that may open your heart to hers in a real, personal way.

We Catholics focus on Mary mainly as Jesus' mother. Some are far too focused on her perpetual virginity. Understandable, because that is quite counter-cultural to society today. But we can also consider her kinship to the single, and the alone.

Really.
Bear with me. It's going to take some time to get there!

First, let us look at the reason for the Immaculate Conception. Very many people are confused by this, and believe that the Immaculate Conception refers to the manner in which Jesus was conceived. It does not.

Rather, the Immaculate Conception is in reference to Mary being conceived and born into the world free from the stain of original sin. (Unlike the rest of us sad mortals) She is the only one, besides Jesus, to be completely free from sin.
Mary's soul was and is Immaculate. Spotless. Pure.
It had to be so in order for Jesus to be born of her womb. Her virginity (forgive me for saying so) was not what made her so special. Instead, it was that she was a vessel so pure that not even a little bit of evil could dwell there. Light and darkness cannot co-exist. What other vessel could be fit for God Made Flesh?

A little more background comes from Isaiah 7:14
When the Jewish people were promised a messiah they were told that the messiah would be born of a virgin. Over time, it became very important to society to ensure that there were enough virgins available to fulfill this prophecy. Families would then send their young daughters, as they approached adolescence, to the temple to be sure they would be protected, trained up, and preserve their virginity.  


This was not as dire as it would seem in today's age. (Oh no, in today's American culture, lawmakers want to be sure that 11-year-old girls have access to the Morning After Pill even without consent from their parents because it is expected that every girl be available for sex. Oh how far we have come! Shudder at the thought.) To become the mother of the king, the messiah, would be an ultimate reward for the sacrifice - though it was surely not considered a great sacrifice in that day.

Swinging back on topic - it was not uncommon for girls to be consecrated to the temple for this purpose.

Let us remember that Mary was born to Anna and Joachim - who by that time were quite old. (Like Sarah and Abraham, they spent much of their life without children and certainly didn't expect children at such an impossible age.) 
Therefore, Mary had no siblings, and her parents knew it was best to dedicate her to the temple where she would be raised after their death. It is likely that both of Mary's parents had died by the time she was about seven years old.

Then when she came of age, Mary was betrothed to Joseph, visited by the angel Gabriel, and agreed in her fiat, to become the Mother of God Made Flesh.

Joseph too, was an old man, likely over age thirty - possibly mid-30s by the time Jesus was born. He too, had intended to vow his virginity for the glory of God, so that helps explain the question of Mary's perpetual virginity in case that was bothering you. (It's an obstacle for many.) This arrangement allowed them to be servants to God and serve each other and the world in a remarkable way.

It is believed that Joseph died by about the time Jesus reached age twenty - that would put him in his mid-50s which is quite old for that time period - and would leave Mary widowed by her early 30s.

Then, upon Jesus' crucifixion, He spoke to His mother and His beloved friend John, "Son, behold your mother. Mother behold your son." 
This was an instruction that John should care for Mary, as it was necessary in those days for a woman to belong to a family of some type, lest she become destitute and uncared for.

Now, let's look back at the timeline of Mary's life.
Orphaned in her youth.
Married at age 12 to 14.
Widowed by age 34.
Then her only begotten son was out, traipsing around, preaching and teaching his disciples - where was Mary? Who took care of her and who did she hang out with? 
Her son crucified as she reached age 45 or 50.
Depending how long she lived - Mary was likely alone, without family, for much of her life.

Mary spent much of her life alone.
What does that mean to today's single adults?

For me, it is profound.
It's easy to think that someone so full of Grace, blessed with a devoted husband and let's face it - a perfect child - has nothing in common with me!
Of course knowing that she saw her son suffer a horrific, cruel and unspeakable death, we all have sympathy for her. We know her heart was deeply pierced, and that she can relate to and understand our puny little earthly sufferings.

But to think that she also understands what it is to be alone - that for me, personally, is a game-changer. Mary does understand the suffering of the single.

That is a comfort for me. I hope it may be comfort for you or someone you love. Because, I'll be honest, the whole, "Jesus was single." attempt at consolation is not much comfort at all!

It is Still Not Good for Man to be Alone! (part three)

As much as I'd like to think that everyone is wondering how to serve single adults within the church, I know that they're not. 

The overwhelming response is generally, "This is something the singles need to do for themselves." 

Which is extra funny when you consider, they're single. If they were good at convincing people to do things with them, they would have convinced someone to marry them. 

But I digress.

How can the Church serve singles? 

Let’s start with married women. 

Please stop blogging about how hard it is to have and raise kids. You’re scaring men and women away from parenthood. 

Many women have the grace to know that childbirth and parenting is painful and scary, yet they’re willing to do it anyway. But when men hear that their lives will be forever changed into something terrible, with everyday sacrifices and no more money – well you don’t have to do any more convincing. Thanks for making single men afraid of marriage and family. That helped. (sarcasm)

Parents: 

Please stop telling teenagers that their lives will be over if they get pregnant too young. That’s a good way to convince them to end their unborn child’s life as alternative to “ruining” their own. 

At what point do you expect them to change their minds and think babies won’t ruin their lives? 

Yeah, I’m not the only one stuck dating grown men who still think babies are the worst thing that could happen.

Priests: 

Include examples of the single life in your homilies. Make a your parish a welcome place for the lonely. Really, really think about why there are no single men in attendance at Mass, and encourage the few that are, to linger after Mass rather than dashing out the side door. This may mean approaching and talking to them.

Include intercessory prayers for those singles who are called to marriage, but suffer for years in the waiting. 

Also, work on a response other than nervous laughter when an adult suffering from prolonged singleness cries out in loneliness. 

Couples: 

When a Nice Catholic Girl (or middle-aged woman as the case may be) asks if the marriage-minded two of you have a single brother or friend or co-worker, and you respond with, “Not one that I would set you up with.” consider it your duty to bring that bloke back to church, so that he will one day be a suitable partner. Come on. Do your part here! 

This "I got mine." attitude among marrieds isn't helping anyone. Your marriage should be a witness to others. If you socialize with people who see your Godly marriage, and they continue to live a life unworthy of a Nice Catholic Boy or Girl or Man or Woman... then just how strong is your witness?

Oh and be careful of the company you keep.

Singleness is not contagious. Divorce is.

I've seen it happen, at least one part of a faithful Catholic couple starts spending time with a newly divorced friend, trying to be supportive - and before long their own marriage is falling apart. 

Please stop being afraid of single people. You are afraid right? That’s why you don’t talk to us. Or extend us the sign of peace during Mass. Or invite us over for dinner. Or out for Sunday brunch with your sweet, sticky little kids? 

We could be incorporated into your family, since we live so far from our own. We’d be a great example of holy, chaste living for your kids – who, if the Church continues as it is going – will likely be unable to find spouses either.

It is Not Good for Man to be Alone (part two)

The first thing God saw, and identified as "not good" was the human He created, alone. 

If that's first thing that really concerned the creator, shouldn't it matter more to the Church? 

As it stands, if a long-time, unintended single expresses their pain and burden of being alone to a representative of the Church, they are met with either uncomfortable laughter, or stoney silence. 

The Church is woefully unprepared for the effects of the sexual revolution on the faithful. The latest data indicates, that for the first time in history, single adults nearly outnumber married adults, yet the Church continues to serve the married, with families, nearly exclusively. Isn't it time we acknowledge the single elephant in the room? 

Two years ago, on Valentine's Day, Catholic writer, Simcha Fisher got a taste of the fury of the slighted single when she dared to grumble about the overwrought holiday in her column in the National Catholic Register online.

The unveiled response from singles: ”You’re married. You don’t get to complain about Valentine’s Day.”  This either amused or irked Mrs. Fischer, so in response in a subsequent column, she asked what it is that singles need from the church.

Whoo boy. Then it blew up. There were hundreds of responses from single Catholics, explaining their marginalized status in the Church and in society.

There, in one place, were tons of suggestions, reasons and ways for the Church to reach out to single adults. (Let’s be clear, we’re not talking about singles in terms of twenty-something’s. We’re talking prolonged singleness for which there seems to be no cure. Other than a call for all the divorcees to get annulments and a heart transplant.)  If one or two churches in every diocese would have implemented just one idea, the plight of Adult Catholic Singles might have eased, just a bit.

The singles flooded the comments with descriptions of the agony of their single life, the loneliness and isolation. The lack of accountability, as daily, they return to an empty house, where it would be nice to just have someone to bounce their thoughts back and forth. 

Sadly, among the wealth of suggestions from those experiencing prolonged singleness, were glib - nay ignorant - condolences from the smug marrieds;

Um, Sebastian honey, we’re over 40, the only impending diapers are our own and most of us already have a mortgage, thankyouverymuch.  World Youth Day? Can 35+ year-olds go to World Youth Day? Wouldn't we be arrested for being creepy predators?!  Oh and don’t forget. Yay! I get to go to the dentist!

Soon? Many singles have been anticipating "soon" for more than 20 years. Every year or two, one thinks, "This is it! God can't hold out much longer. I'm sure I'll meet someone soon and my waiting will be over." Rinse and repeat. Suddenly you're over 40 and invisible to the world.
Soon may never come.

All of this, makes it clear that the Church does not see the adult singles. In the minds of Church-going Catholics, all single people are in their 20s!
  

Insert flashing arrow pointing to obvious problem right here.

Worse yet, the smug marrieds who think all adult singles are perverted, lazy slobs:

Wait a minute, after we're all done being gravely insulted, we need to finish laughing at the absurdity of this comment! 

No distractions yet?!  Har har. If we're not counting the ticking biological clock, does a mortgage, or burying one's parents, or sitting all by yourself in an emergency room count? 

So, what has happened since Simcha’s figurative olive branch? Well, the National Catholic Register promised a single’s column – of which I’ve seen two (2) offerings. One by Emily Stimpson and another by some guy who never managed to complete his thought.  (Although, I was recently at a friend’s house – married of course – who showed me a column by Emily that was really quite good… so maybe the NCR has been publishing these columns in the hard copy, leaving the easily accessible online version to play cricket reruns…  ignoring the fact that the single’s scene is online – but I’m glad my one married friend and someone’s grandma got to see it.)

Where was I? Oh yes, what happened after Simcha extended an olive branch to Adult Catholic Singles? After the roar died down? Pretty much nothing. At least on the NCR, there's not been another word about it. 

All the smug marrieds went back to their Creighton charts, the mommy bloggers went back to writing about the tribulations of mothering. The Catholic husbands who insist that their single brother or nephew or cousin isn’t suitable for a relationship with a Nice Catholic Girl, went back to being okay with that.

It’s time to stir things up. How can you help?

(I'll share thoughts on that in my next post, but I'd love to read yours in the comments.) 

 Read part one of this series here.

It Is Not Good For Man To Be Alone (part one)

It is not good for man to be alone.

In all of history, it’s the first thing that God identified as “not good”. Up until then, all of creation was good.  Dry land, water, vegetation, the sun and the moon, separation of light and darkness, living creatures.  He saw that it was good. Then God created man and it was self-evident. It is not good for man to be alone.

You would think the church would put more focus on this, based on that revelation alone.
Because when God saw that it was not good, He went right to work making introductions.

God: Have you met horse? Horse is helpful, strong, and really quite beautiful.
Man:
God: Yeah, not a great mate huh? 

After exhausting introductions with all the animals, God created a help meet. Woman.

God wasted no time recognizing the tragedy of man, alone in the world.

But the Church.  The Church takes it for granted. Everyone shows up married, apparently. 

Let’s strengthen marriages, the church says. Let’s build strong families. Yes. Of Course!

You single people… take care of your own needs. But you know, don’t sin… stay chaste, in return we’ll ignore you when you show up at Mass on Sundays. But could you volunteer for this and that… you know, since you have so much free time because you’re alone.

And we shouldn’t complain about it either. That one I don’t understand.  

When The Church plunks World Marriage Day down on the same week of Valentine’s Day (also known as Single’s Awareness Day)  – it is a bit of insult added to injury.

Hey, I’m more than happy to focus on strong marriages. I support all of my married friends, encouraging them through their struggles, rejoicing in their joys, making sweet baby gifts, offering to babysit so they can have time alone, together.

 

A little reciprocity would be nice. Just a little acknowledgement that it must be hard to approach and then live your 40s without marking any grownup milestones like marriage and children, not to mention the horror of facing family dynamics at holiday gatherings. (Sweet Lord, take me now.)

Admittedly, the Catholic Church was completely unprepared for the fallout of the sexual revolution. Logically, the Nice Catholic Boys and Girls weren’t going to succumb to it.  What the Church was unable to realize, is that the Nice Catholic Boys and Girls suffer the repercussions in ways those who participate in the debauchery never will.  When the rest of the culture delays marriage, it has a ripple effect. Men and women who wanted a life of marriage and family, live without both.

The irony is a tragedy. Because secular feminists get to have babies. They may not want them, but they get them. They may never have a wedding, but they get the family. Meanwhile the chaste, single Catholic Girl prays for an opportunity to have babies, but those babies will not turn up until a Nice Catholic Boy gets his head and heart into gear.

God was distressed to realize that it is not good for man to be alone. So much so, that He set forth to do something about it, pretty immediately. Why then, is the Church so stubbornly opposed to intervene in what is “not good” for it’s single population?

It is not good for women to mourn the loss of their fertility, while still hoping and praying for a husband. It is not good for men to live without companionship, to rely on p*rnography as a substitute for intimate relationships or to be so concerned about losing everything in a divorce that they never take on the risk of loving someone, united with God.

What is the Church doing for Adult Catholic Singles?

When will they start thinking about it? 

The Wait

Can't say that I'm a Bachelor fan.
I've always found it too strange that every time a girl gets sent home, the voice over insists that she's heartbroken.

But I digress.

The latest Bachelor wedding celebrated the union of Sean and Catherine. I didn't watch the full coverage. I'll admit I totally missed the wedding, but I saw the hour-long build up and I have to say it was strange.

The producers of the show made such a big deal about this couple saving sexual intimacy for their wedding night, that it was a bit disturbing.

I love that they waited, and that they weren't shy and hush-hush about the fact that they weren't dig'n each other's bones during the entire engagement... it's nice to see some Christian values.
But the emphasis the show put on it was bizarre.
Would they do the opposite?

"Jack and Jill are getting married in the next hour. They have been having lots of sex, and they seem to be very good at it. Which is very important because we can't trust that two people are meant for each other and prepared for marriage unless they are good at boinking each other. So thank heavens this marriage will last because they boinked."

See how ridiculous it sounds?

I've never understood the concept that a couple needs to test the waters, or worse yet, "test drive" before they get married, because, "Sex is such an important part of marriage."  Sexual compatibility must be proven before you commit to one another? How weird.

You know what - I think there are a lot of men in the world with whom I could be sexually compatible. But finding someone I could share a life with? That is really hard to find!

Methinks the emphasis is on all the wrong things.

I give this Bachelor couple credit for focusing on true compatibilty over their baser instincts.

Calling Sin Sin

Calling sin what it is, is not hate. It is love.

The attitudes surrounding everything from the HHS Contraceptive Mandate, to the Duck Dynasty Debacle, seem to be that if Christians or Catholics disagree with something, it can only be about hate.

If we speak out against free, universally accepted and ingested birth control, it's a War Against Women! Wha? What?!

When Phil Roberston pointed out homosexual sex is unnatural, sinful... it was identified as hate speech.  Why does anyone think if one doesn't support what they consider wrong behavior - that they must hate the people involved?

I think that is really twisted thinking. It makes me wonder if the "You-are-filled-with-hate" finger-pointers, are actually the ones who hate. If they can't comprehend disagreeing with someone without wishing that someone ill will, what does that say about them?

The most loving thing you do for someone, is to encourage them to do better.
When you're raising a child, you point them in the way to go. It is the loving thing to do.
And I can see why adults don't want to be corrected. But you just can't ignore truth.

Truth is the truth even when no one believes it.

A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. 

How do we help people to understand that sharing the truth is loving? Even when they disagree. Especially when we disagree.

Duck, Duck. Whose Goose is Cooked?

All the fuss over the Duck Dynasty debacle has proven only one thing. A&E needs the Roberston's more than the Robertson's need A&E.

Duck Dynasty - Photo Credit: Parade.com

What did the network think? That these self-proclaimed Christians were going to deny their beliefs? Go against their faith? That they were going to put up and shut up?
That in itself is proof that the executives at A&E don't understand Christianity at all.

Following Jesus Christ is not about convenience. It's not the least bit convenient. It's about believing what truth is. Living in the truth isn't easy. Christians and Catholics live a harder path. It's harder to do right than to just do okay. People, we mere humans, don't get to decide what is a sin and what isn't.

Well, that's the question that Phil Robertson was answering. Or more accurately, he was trying to explain what his understanding of sin is, in the way that it matters in his life.

According to Wikipedia:

On December 18, 2013, A&E announced that it was suspending Phil Robertson from the show indefinitely over remarks he made during an interview with Drew Magary of GQ magazine.^[64] During the interview for a featured article in GQ's January 2014 issue, titled "What the Duck?", Magary asked Robertson: "What, in your mind, is sinful?"^[65] Robertson replied: 

"Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men." Continuing rhetorically, Robertson questioned the appeal of same-sex relationships, particularly amongst men, saying: "It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.”^[66]

A&E released a statement that read: "We are extremely disappointed to have read Phil Robertson's comments in GQ, which are based on his own personal beliefs and are not reflected in the series Duck Dynasty. His personal views in no way reflect those of A&E Networks, who have always been strong supporters and champions of the LGBT community. The network has placed Phil under hiatus from filming indefinitely."^[64]

Christians and Catholics don't have the luxury of just shrugging their shoulders and saying, "Well, okay. Whatever you want, I guess." We are called to stand up and defend what is right, what is true.

Sure it's convenient to acknowledge that times have changed, and these days, sex before marriage is normal, so if it's normal it must not be a sin, and those Christians and Catholics ought to just get with the times.

Myself, I've struggled with the Church's position on homosexuality. I have friends who are gay. They are wonderful people and I love them. That's not to say that I don't believe the act of homosexuality is sinful. (note the distinction: the act, not the condition is sin.) Likewise, I have friends who are straight who have lived together, presumably sexually active prior to their marriage. I love them too. I have friends who sleep with most of the people they date, committed or not. I think THAT is really messed up. But I love them.

I'm a sinner too. Yet I am loved.

But here's what I don't understand about how the media spins these kinds of things out of proportion.
Christians are pretty clear about what they know to be sinful.
When we say we don't believe in premarital sex, when we point out that extra-marital affairs are sinful - secular society just points and laughs and calls us ridiculous.  See above, we're just supposed to get with the times.

They write us off as lunatics and get on with their lives.

So why is it, when Christians point out that homosexuality is a sin - people get fired? It's called hate speech and people start drawing up lawsuits.

Why don't they just write Christians off as silly, self-righteous fools and ignore them then?

I have some ideas. What are yours?