It is Still Not Good for Man to be Alone! (part three)

As much as I'd like to think that everyone is wondering how to serve single adults within the church, I know that they're not. 

The overwhelming response is generally, "This is something the singles need to do for themselves." 

Which is extra funny when you consider, they're single. If they were good at convincing people to do things with them, they would have convinced someone to marry them. 

But I digress.

How can the Church serve singles? 

Let’s start with married women. 

Please stop blogging about how hard it is to have and raise kids. You’re scaring men and women away from parenthood. 

Many women have the grace to know that childbirth and parenting is painful and scary, yet they’re willing to do it anyway. But when men hear that their lives will be forever changed into something terrible, with everyday sacrifices and no more money – well you don’t have to do any more convincing. Thanks for making single men afraid of marriage and family. That helped. (sarcasm)

Parents: 

Please stop telling teenagers that their lives will be over if they get pregnant too young. That’s a good way to convince them to end their unborn child’s life as alternative to “ruining” their own. 

At what point do you expect them to change their minds and think babies won’t ruin their lives? 

Yeah, I’m not the only one stuck dating grown men who still think babies are the worst thing that could happen.

Priests: 

Include examples of the single life in your homilies. Make a your parish a welcome place for the lonely. Really, really think about why there are no single men in attendance at Mass, and encourage the few that are, to linger after Mass rather than dashing out the side door. This may mean approaching and talking to them.

Include intercessory prayers for those singles who are called to marriage, but suffer for years in the waiting. 

Also, work on a response other than nervous laughter when an adult suffering from prolonged singleness cries out in loneliness. 

Couples: 

When a Nice Catholic Girl (or middle-aged woman as the case may be) asks if the marriage-minded two of you have a single brother or friend or co-worker, and you respond with, “Not one that I would set you up with.” consider it your duty to bring that bloke back to church, so that he will one day be a suitable partner. Come on. Do your part here! 

This "I got mine." attitude among marrieds isn't helping anyone. Your marriage should be a witness to others. If you socialize with people who see your Godly marriage, and they continue to live a life unworthy of a Nice Catholic Boy or Girl or Man or Woman... then just how strong is your witness?

Oh and be careful of the company you keep.

Singleness is not contagious. Divorce is.

I've seen it happen, at least one part of a faithful Catholic couple starts spending time with a newly divorced friend, trying to be supportive - and before long their own marriage is falling apart. 

Please stop being afraid of single people. You are afraid right? That’s why you don’t talk to us. Or extend us the sign of peace during Mass. Or invite us over for dinner. Or out for Sunday brunch with your sweet, sticky little kids? 

We could be incorporated into your family, since we live so far from our own. We’d be a great example of holy, chaste living for your kids – who, if the Church continues as it is going – will likely be unable to find spouses either.

It is Not Good for Man to be Alone (part two)

The first thing God saw, and identified as "not good" was the human He created, alone. 

If that's first thing that really concerned the creator, shouldn't it matter more to the Church? 

As it stands, if a long-time, unintended single expresses their pain and burden of being alone to a representative of the Church, they are met with either uncomfortable laughter, or stoney silence. 

The Church is woefully unprepared for the effects of the sexual revolution on the faithful. The latest data indicates, that for the first time in history, single adults nearly outnumber married adults, yet the Church continues to serve the married, with families, nearly exclusively. Isn't it time we acknowledge the single elephant in the room? 

Two years ago, on Valentine's Day, Catholic writer, Simcha Fisher got a taste of the fury of the slighted single when she dared to grumble about the overwrought holiday in her column in the National Catholic Register online.

The unveiled response from singles: ”You’re married. You don’t get to complain about Valentine’s Day.”  This either amused or irked Mrs. Fischer, so in response in a subsequent column, she asked what it is that singles need from the church.

Whoo boy. Then it blew up. There were hundreds of responses from single Catholics, explaining their marginalized status in the Church and in society.

There, in one place, were tons of suggestions, reasons and ways for the Church to reach out to single adults. (Let’s be clear, we’re not talking about singles in terms of twenty-something’s. We’re talking prolonged singleness for which there seems to be no cure. Other than a call for all the divorcees to get annulments and a heart transplant.)  If one or two churches in every diocese would have implemented just one idea, the plight of Adult Catholic Singles might have eased, just a bit.

The singles flooded the comments with descriptions of the agony of their single life, the loneliness and isolation. The lack of accountability, as daily, they return to an empty house, where it would be nice to just have someone to bounce their thoughts back and forth. 

Sadly, among the wealth of suggestions from those experiencing prolonged singleness, were glib - nay ignorant - condolences from the smug marrieds;

Um, Sebastian honey, we’re over 40, the only impending diapers are our own and most of us already have a mortgage, thankyouverymuch.  World Youth Day? Can 35+ year-olds go to World Youth Day? Wouldn't we be arrested for being creepy predators?!  Oh and don’t forget. Yay! I get to go to the dentist!

Soon? Many singles have been anticipating "soon" for more than 20 years. Every year or two, one thinks, "This is it! God can't hold out much longer. I'm sure I'll meet someone soon and my waiting will be over." Rinse and repeat. Suddenly you're over 40 and invisible to the world.
Soon may never come.

All of this, makes it clear that the Church does not see the adult singles. In the minds of Church-going Catholics, all single people are in their 20s!
  

Insert flashing arrow pointing to obvious problem right here.

Worse yet, the smug marrieds who think all adult singles are perverted, lazy slobs:

Wait a minute, after we're all done being gravely insulted, we need to finish laughing at the absurdity of this comment! 

No distractions yet?!  Har har. If we're not counting the ticking biological clock, does a mortgage, or burying one's parents, or sitting all by yourself in an emergency room count? 

So, what has happened since Simcha’s figurative olive branch? Well, the National Catholic Register promised a single’s column – of which I’ve seen two (2) offerings. One by Emily Stimpson and another by some guy who never managed to complete his thought.  (Although, I was recently at a friend’s house – married of course – who showed me a column by Emily that was really quite good… so maybe the NCR has been publishing these columns in the hard copy, leaving the easily accessible online version to play cricket reruns…  ignoring the fact that the single’s scene is online – but I’m glad my one married friend and someone’s grandma got to see it.)

Where was I? Oh yes, what happened after Simcha extended an olive branch to Adult Catholic Singles? After the roar died down? Pretty much nothing. At least on the NCR, there's not been another word about it. 

All the smug marrieds went back to their Creighton charts, the mommy bloggers went back to writing about the tribulations of mothering. The Catholic husbands who insist that their single brother or nephew or cousin isn’t suitable for a relationship with a Nice Catholic Girl, went back to being okay with that.

It’s time to stir things up. How can you help?

(I'll share thoughts on that in my next post, but I'd love to read yours in the comments.) 

 Read part one of this series here.

It Is Not Good For Man To Be Alone (part one)

It is not good for man to be alone.

In all of history, it’s the first thing that God identified as “not good”. Up until then, all of creation was good.  Dry land, water, vegetation, the sun and the moon, separation of light and darkness, living creatures.  He saw that it was good. Then God created man and it was self-evident. It is not good for man to be alone.

You would think the church would put more focus on this, based on that revelation alone.
Because when God saw that it was not good, He went right to work making introductions.

God: Have you met horse? Horse is helpful, strong, and really quite beautiful.
Man:
God: Yeah, not a great mate huh? 

After exhausting introductions with all the animals, God created a help meet. Woman.

God wasted no time recognizing the tragedy of man, alone in the world.

But the Church.  The Church takes it for granted. Everyone shows up married, apparently. 

Let’s strengthen marriages, the church says. Let’s build strong families. Yes. Of Course!

You single people… take care of your own needs. But you know, don’t sin… stay chaste, in return we’ll ignore you when you show up at Mass on Sundays. But could you volunteer for this and that… you know, since you have so much free time because you’re alone.

And we shouldn’t complain about it either. That one I don’t understand.  

When The Church plunks World Marriage Day down on the same week of Valentine’s Day (also known as Single’s Awareness Day)  – it is a bit of insult added to injury.

Hey, I’m more than happy to focus on strong marriages. I support all of my married friends, encouraging them through their struggles, rejoicing in their joys, making sweet baby gifts, offering to babysit so they can have time alone, together.

 

A little reciprocity would be nice. Just a little acknowledgement that it must be hard to approach and then live your 40s without marking any grownup milestones like marriage and children, not to mention the horror of facing family dynamics at holiday gatherings. (Sweet Lord, take me now.)

Admittedly, the Catholic Church was completely unprepared for the fallout of the sexual revolution. Logically, the Nice Catholic Boys and Girls weren’t going to succumb to it.  What the Church was unable to realize, is that the Nice Catholic Boys and Girls suffer the repercussions in ways those who participate in the debauchery never will.  When the rest of the culture delays marriage, it has a ripple effect. Men and women who wanted a life of marriage and family, live without both.

The irony is a tragedy. Because secular feminists get to have babies. They may not want them, but they get them. They may never have a wedding, but they get the family. Meanwhile the chaste, single Catholic Girl prays for an opportunity to have babies, but those babies will not turn up until a Nice Catholic Boy gets his head and heart into gear.

God was distressed to realize that it is not good for man to be alone. So much so, that He set forth to do something about it, pretty immediately. Why then, is the Church so stubbornly opposed to intervene in what is “not good” for it’s single population?

It is not good for women to mourn the loss of their fertility, while still hoping and praying for a husband. It is not good for men to live without companionship, to rely on p*rnography as a substitute for intimate relationships or to be so concerned about losing everything in a divorce that they never take on the risk of loving someone, united with God.

What is the Church doing for Adult Catholic Singles?

When will they start thinking about it?