In Pursuit - The Survey Says

It's true. I'm a long-term, unintended single. Possibly the bane of the Catholic Church!

Okay, that may seem a bit harsh. But it's also true that the Church has been and is yet, unprepared to handle the numbers of adult singles and our unique struggles living faithfully, counter to the culture.

One area working to address the problem, are the Catholic-focused online dating sites. They serve as a gathering place for like-minded Catholics who place priority on their faith life in any potential love match. Reasoning that we won't have to wade through the secular crowd, explaining why we're not game for sex on the third date! (we hope).

There's a delicate balance in caring for the needs of the Catholic Single. Where both the Church ministry and Catholic Dating websites flounder, is understanding the difference between young singles and long-term, older singles.
I've been both. I think I can help.

After a lengthy break from online dating, I recently started a membership with Catholic Match. Prior to joining, I did have a profile up for a few months, getting ready for a release date!
Until I had membership privileges, I was not eligible to take the survey used to formulate matches.

Image Source: greatwithtalent.me

The survey asks a series of questions which are meant to evaluate the member's backgrounds for compatibility. I recall similar evaluations on other comprehensive online dating services.

The survey questions focus pretty narrowly on one's family life growing up. I can't recall the questions exactly, but they were along the lines of family dynamics. How frequently did you go to church as a family? How did your family discuss issues, solve conflict. Offering multiple choice options like A) Calm discussion, B) Heated discussions, yelling. Additional questions hone in on influential relationships from our formative years, which may or may not be relevant in adulthood.

I answered the questions with a vague sense of futility. I don't think I quite caught it at the time, but when I considered it later, I realized that these family dynamic concerns make sense for people in their early 20s, but they're not so relevant for singles older than say, 35.
A marriage-minded couple in their 20s is still quite influenced by their childhood household, as they are just coming out of it, as they venture out on their own. Learning how to navigate life with the tools and resources from their family life. The basis of their family life will, indeed, be the foundation of their new family.

For singles over 40, well, we've been on our own for 20 years. We've established our own traditions, and learned how to work around some of the habits we learned from our family. We've made relationship mistakes and hopefully learned from them, growing in the process.

If we've raised children, that experience is likely more pertinent to a new relationship than how we were raised.

Also, by 40 some of the most influential people in our lives have died. Possibly gone for 15 or 20 years already. The family relationships connected to the people we lost change dramatically after a death as well.

Let me say this; answering those survey questions, I couldn't even remember how family conflicts were handled in my childhood home, with my nuclear family. After all, that was 20 years ago!

In the past two decades I've learned different strategies. Some of the same strategies and lessons that might have happened within a marriage, we also learn from life alone. It's part of maturity, growth, and life. Even if you didn't have a spouse with whom to negotiate changes, learn from and grow.

All of that to say, that the creators of Catholic Match (and other serious dating sites) aren't taking into consideration the dynamics of the people who need them the most.

What good is the matching system if we're answering irrelevant questions?

image source: gizmodo.com

So maybe I match with a man whose parents always gave rational explanations of their discipline. In reality, we may not be able to have children together. How does that factor into a potential relationship?

I'd like to suggest a variety of questions based on age range. Maybe questions that ask how we've handled conflicts with roommates or neighbors. How we've dealt with losing friends to marriage or moving. How we anticipate adapting to life with partner after living alone for a lifetime.

What would you suggest? What questions do you think would be more suitable for matching couples in your age range?
I love to see your suggestions in the comments.

In Pursuit of Something Special

At some point, we all reach our fill of dating. Quickly followed by our fill of not dating.
Then maybe we get a subscription to an online dating site - again.

Hey, it just happened to me.

It sure seems like it should be simple, but there's so many opinions out there about online dating. Do this. Don't do that. They suggest women should let the man pursue, but is anyone telling men how to pursue?

Adding to the confusion and consternation, is that dating sites set up their rules of engagement for a single, expected experience, but it's likely each participant has a different strategy. Do you respond to everyone who contacts you? Is it kinder to email back a "Not Interested" or to simply not respond? Is one more hurtful than the other? When someone piques your interest, should you play hard to get? Can you type too much? Is aloof alluring?

For purposes of discussion, I'll use Catholic Match as the example. I mean, if you're going to search for a needle, you'll have better luck in a pin cushion than in a haystack, right?

Based on past experience, the most serious dating sites function in mostly the same way.
Here's the basic layout of features and ... uh... bugs:

• There's a way to see who has viewed your profile and when.
• Which means, if you return to a profile to learn more about someone, they can see it.
• You get matches, and in CM's case, you can mark whether you're interested, not interested, or undecided.
• From what I can tell, we don't get to see the rejection, or the acceptance. Only whether they've viewed our profile.
• You can utilize email or chat functions for communication.
• Email doesn't seem to reveal to the other participant whether or when you've read their email.
• When you're logged onto the service, other users can see a green notice that you are indeed online.
• Awkward.

So each dater has the same features, but may differ how they intend to use them.

Allow me to share an unfortunate example: The chat feature is not my preferred way to communicate, so I was pleased to learn that you can click "unavailable for chat". On the downside, the website doesn't seem to remember that preference from log in to log in. Already, this has caused a problem.

While I was logged on, and composing an email response to one suitor, I received a notification from another suitor I had been communicating with, requesting a chat. Of course, I didn't want to divide my attention, so I dismissed the chat and switched off my availability as not to be disturbed again.

When I checked my messages later, I learned the suitor was quite upset, accusatory and he dismissed me outright, quite rudely.

Clearly, different expectations, or simple online habits may interfere with the ability to connect. Just as the lack of vocal inflection, facial cues and context have plagued internet users for years.

It would be impossible to make universal guidelines for how to interact online. Perhaps that's part of finding the right mate, someone who shares or at least understands your approach is more likely to be a match.

Even so, with matching tactics and the best of intentions, negotiations may still stall. We need to know how to nudge gracefully, don't we?

That's when I turn to one of my favorite single's bloggers who offers advice on this very subject. Cindy from Veil of Chastity has been in my shoes. She met her husband, later in life, on a dating website. She has such a beautiful, calm demeanor, and advocates for women to be ever-gracious and sweetly demure. If that doesn't sound like you, don't run off just yet. Cindy wants you to be yourself, even if yourself is silly, blunt or jaded. Well, maybe not jaded. Just always add graciousness to your formula.

Suffice to say, I went searching for Cindy's specific online dating advice.  She has a real gift for ministering to singles, (I presume of any age, but I know she relates to my long-term, unintended single status).

Along with visiting the Veil, I asked a couple who is very dear to me, and who demonstrate wholesome, Godly values in their marriage, to look at my profile and offer suggestions.
Between Cindy and my friends, much of the advice was the same. They told me to take out some specifics about what I want in my ideal man. Not because it's irrelevant, but because perhaps the way I word something might leave a potential suitor wondering if he's that guy. Maybe he is, but based on my words, he might determine he is not, and I would lose out.

I also want to stress, that you know who you are. Remember that, when others give suggestions, and don't erase your personality. I think it's best to use such advice as a guideline, and perhaps reconsider how tightly you're clinging to certain ideas.

More on that in an upcoming post.
Just be sure to on-line date as thoughtfully as you would in real life. Everyone is in a different stage in their lives, so compassion is essential.

If you need a second opinion, there are people to help. Cindy, of course, and I'm willing too!

Good luck out there.

Check back next week for another post on this subject, looking deeper into dating later in life.